After watching the last few debates I want to say something to you. Please stop saying “My friends” before every sentence.

One of the most difficult things you need to overcome in this election is age. In 2000 for some reason the press painted you out to be a “maverick” ready to take on Washington. Lets face facts, you were old then and frankly after several decades between the House and Senate you were Washington. Still that was your reputation and you used it well.

But John, if I can call you John, this isn’t Tammany Hall and you aren’t standing on an actual soapbox trying to get union men to swing your way. We have elections on computers now, you should get with the program.

I offered some great advice early on in the campaign to you under the idea of “Don’t Make Your Web Site in Black & White”. I doubt I was the one you listened to but someone else must have said something because you wised up and added blue and red to the thing. Now I really think you should listen to this bit too. Please, please, please discontinue opening every one of your sentences with “my friends”.

There was a time when Ryan Seacrest, you probably don’t know who that is, he hosts American Idol and has a radio show and is on E! Television, anyway there was a time when he thought he would get cute and synergistic and close all of his many television and radio programs with “Seacrest, Out!” He was widely ridiculed and he no longer does that. Thank god, lesson learned.

You should bury “my friends”. Frankly I wouldn’t replace it but if you have to please refrain from using urban slang and saying something like “my peeps” because that just won’t work either. There is a trick to this kind of thing.

For instance “my friends” makes you sound old. It’s something my grandparents might say. Frankly it’s something my parents grandparents might say. That doesn’t mean you have to sound new though. Sounding too new will just fall flat because, you know, you look so old. Frankly Ron Paul looked like a spring chicken compared to you last night and he is 71!

How about “my fellow countrymen”? See that is so old that it sounds new. That should be your angle. You should go back to the 17th & 18th century lingo. It sounds vintage. It’s before my time, it’s before your time, it’s so old people have forgotten about it and so it sounds new. See, “now we’re on the trolly!” Don’t use that one either, its still too new! I wouldn’t mention wagons while we are at it.

You could actually make a whole new lingo out of it. When you talk about your opponents on immigration you could say “sure you can act like my opponents here, brandying about, doing little. Meanwhile my policy lifts America up like a bowspirit!”

As Paris Hilton would say “That’s Hot!” Did you know she is in jail now? That scallywag! (Throw in some old timey Navy lingo too, will remind people where you came from! Plus Pirates are very big now. Yrrrrr)

Anyway I am sure your staffers can find a used book of expressions from Barnes & Noble to help you on your way. I just felt compelled to say something that my countrymen and I could surely agree upon!

—————————————-
Thanks to Wonkette for the link.